1. Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber

Dear Selena,

Lucky you! You no longer will have to deal with The Bieb’s  rabid preteen fan base or search for his eyes concealed by his nutty hairdo.   You’re young and fabulous with your whole life ahead of you and plenty of rock stars to date!  On to the next, girlfriend!

2. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattison

Dear Kristen,

You got away with it this time. He’s back in your loving arms talking babies and bling. But in our experience, when it’s done, it’s DONE, over, finito, kaput.  Your need to publicly stray like that… wow….. speaks volumes.  Like you were lookin’ for an out.  Go with your gut, chica!  We support you whole heartedly!

3. Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise

Dear Katie,

Whatever you have on Tom, good for you for keeping that shit under wraps.  It’s obvious you love your child and have enough self respect to not drag Mr. “Impossible” to the cleaners.   And look at you – your careers’s on fire, you’ve got your life back, and most importantly, you can strut in HEELS again!  We’re proud of you, doll face! Woooohoooooo!

4. Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy

Dear Taylor,

Give it a rest, girl.  We’re spent just hearing about your escapades.  You have enough material to last you an entire career at this point and you’re a BABY!  Stay home with a mud mask or have a slumber party with your gal pals.  Go for a bike ride or to a museum.  It’s not necessary to jump from one guy to the next – it’s dizzying for us so we can only imagine what it’s like for you.  Take a nap.

5. Heidi Klum and Seal

Dear Heidi,

Perhaps dating the help isn’t such a super idea right about now.  Fly solo for a bit till you’re ready to move on to your next great love.  As an aside…maybe this whole renewing of the vows every year ain’t such a super duper sign that things are hunky dory, huh? Rather than showing the world how much you “love” each other, tell that one person exactly how you feel – privately!

6. Halle Berry, Gabriel Aubry and Olivier Martinez

You need our help more than anyone.  What’s your address, lady, cuz we’re sending you a complimentary copy of DUMPED. Seriously, you are a repeat offender letting everyone dump all over you.   Here’s a thought:  How ‘bout working on your inner life and gettin’ some self-esteem?  We truly believe that you’ve got to be oh so much more than just a pretty face.   Prove us right. Take our DUMPED quizzes and get back to us.

7. Rhea Perlman and Danny Devito

Hmmmmm…..  really??  We have an idea: How “bout the two of you hit the nearest sex shop and buy some much needed toys and work it out?  Porn maybe?  Tough to keep things hot after so many years but you’re both so cute and adorable, it’d be nice to see you back together.

8.  Vanessa Paradis & Johnny Depp

Dear Vanessa,

You married America’s favorite bad boy, tamed him (or did you?), had his children and lived with him part-time on your very own Caribbean island.  Sounds like Paradis, indeed.  14 years is a long time.  You gave up your career yada yada.  Good for you for taking stock and gettin’ out.  Why wait another 14 years?

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